For those of you that know us, the past 2 months have not been good ones. Once Emily turned 6 months old, things seemed to rapidly go downhill. First she got a cold that just wouldn’t go away. Then she had to be hospitalized for 4 days for a silent UTI. She is still fighting a nasal infection to this day. Her eating has deteriorated since the hospitalization. It is very up and down. She now takes amounts that she used to take many months ago. Her weight gain over the past 2 months has been minimal. She was just under 10 pounds when she was turning 6 months old. She is now 8 1/2 months old and is just under 11 pounds. She used to gain about a pound a month. Her intake should be increasing as opposed to decreasing. We take one step forward, we take two steps back. We push, life pulls. My baby is strong, and she is a fighter, as am I , but the past 2 months have definitely taken its toll.
Yesterday was not a good day. The thick, green mucus that Emily has been struggling with on and off over the past 2 months made a powerful resurgence. I had to leave work early for what seemed like the thousandth time to take her to the doctor for what seemed like the millionth time. We were prescribed yet another course of antibiotics that may or may not even help.
I was sitting in the pharmacy trying to feed Emily and waiting for her prescription to be filled when a song came on the radio – “In Your Eyes” by Peter Gabriel. Emotion washed over me like a tidal wave. With all the struggle, hardship, and pain that has been the ongoing theme in my life over the last 2 months (and since she was born, for that matter), I knew that moment was just for me. The lyrics are posted below so you can see what I mean.
“Love I get so lost, sometimes
days pass and this emptiness fills my heart
when I want to run away
I drive off in my car
but whichever way I go
I come back to the place you are
all my instincts, they return
and the grand facade, so soon will burn
without a noise, without my pride
I reach out from the inside
in your eyes
the light the heat
in your eyes
I am complete
in your eyes
I see the doorway to a thousand churches
in your eyes
the resolution of all the fruitless searches
in your eyes
I see the light and the heat
in your eyes
oh, I want to be that complete
I want to touch the light
the heat I see in your eyes
love, I don’t like to see so much pain
so much wasted and this moment keeps slipping away
I get so tired of working so hard for our survival
I look to the time with you to keep me awake and alive
and all my instincts, they return
and the grand facade, so soon will burn
without a noise, without my pride
I reach out from the inside
in your eyes
the light the heat
in your eyes
I am complete
in your eyes
I see the doorway to a thousand churches
in your eyes
the resolution of all the fruitless searches
in your eyes
I see the light and the heat
in your eyes
oh, I want to be that complete
I want to touch the light,
the heat I see in your eyes
in your eyes  in your eyes
in your eyes  in your eyes
in your eyes  in your eyes”
Wow.
Sometimes, things just fall into place and make sense, even if only for a moment.  What lies in her eyes makes it all worthwhile.
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Oh Kristen! Those uti’s are brutal! There have been moments when I have been so sick and tired of worrying that I am unsure of how we keep on going. One foot in front of the other is all there is sometimes. I find comfort in knowing that there are people that know how crazy all of this is and when it seems too much, I remind myself that there are some that have it much harder. Your little girl is beautiful and lucky to have you! This too shall pass and one day we will look back on this and see only the bright spots. Can’t wait to get your update when you guys are on the other side of all of this and you have a moment to breathe! Love some Peter Gabriel too btw!
Very nice. There is something in our children’s eyes, innocence, vulnerabiliy, complete dependence, no complaints about limitations and courageous suffering. They have a capacity to love and share unlimited joy with others, that we will probably never acquire. Life asks so much of them, and they give all they’ve got.
Rochelle had non stop infections and antibiotics at Emily’s age. It was horrible. We usually had only a few days between finishing a course of antibiotics and going on to the next infection. It went on until age ten. She survived, and so did I, and I am glad we did. Hang in there. It is a rugged road, but worth the journey.
The first two years were very difficult for Amelia and you brought me right back to that overwhelming feeling with your post. I know how you feel and although this might not help now, it does get easier to manage. The illnesses, the feedings, and the stress all move to the background while those eyes take center stage of our lives!
Soooo… I’m balling reading this. I have loved that song for years and have never thought about it in this way. So poignant. Emily’s eyes are those eyes. That picture just pulled me right in. I feel the same way about my Elsa. She has a way of making me just stop in my tracks and realize what’s truly important in life. As we approach the holidays, it’s a good reminder, isn’t it?
She’s doing even worse now. I’m practically at my wits end. She has a deep, chesty cough that is frightening to witness. She’s now on orally ingested steroids and a vaporizing machine for the time being. I’ve brought her to the doctor’s 3 times in the last week. All say she is doing very well considering, but I can’t help but feel like I should be running full force to the hospital, although it seems as though there isn’t much that anyone else can do. I hate feeling so helpless. She keeps giving me looks like “I feel awful…why aren’t you helping me?” I hate not being able to help my baby, but it seems as though she just has to work through this. In the meantime, I am at a complete loss. This may even be hurting me worse than it’s hurting her.
What a beautiful post. I haven’t had a chance to get online lately because my baby has been very ill and this is the first post I read. It is very comforting to me to know that we are not alone and that others are going through the same thing. Our baby also gets ill a lot and I get overwhelmed because I so desperately want to help him. I would take his illnesses a million times over so that he wouldn’t have to suffer with one infection or cold after another. I feel as though I am in survival mode sometimes and have to remind myself to enjoy by baby even when he is not feeling well. Hang in there!